Celtics Life reporter Rondo Burgundy was busy yesterday tracking a scoop that former Celtic Rasheed Wallace was to blame for the earthquake that hit the East Coast when he happened to run into NBA Dictator Commissioner David Stern at an adult book store. An impromptu interview took place and you can read the transcript below:
Rondo Burgundy: So Commissioner, the NBA long time slogan is "NBA Cares," but this lockout doesn't seem to show much compassion for fans of the game or people who make their livelihood with the NBA. So what about the fans and the vendors? Do you "care" about them? Does the NBA "care" that at a time of sky high unemployment, that you're putting people who are trying to make ends meat out of work?
David Stern: First of all is your mic really off?
Rondo Burgundy: Yes of course. This question is off the record.
David Stern: Ok then. Well my short answer is fuck the fans and fuck street vendors, concession stand workers, bloggers, the whole bunch. That "NBA Cares" slogan is publicity bullshit. I know it and you know it. Ok you can turn the mic now on Mr. Burgundy.
Rondo Burgundy: So Mr. Stern, how have you been spending the lockout? Hard at work negotiating with the Players Union? David Stern: Only if hard at work means we meet once a month and don't say anything.
Rondo Burgundy: So I've heard that since there's no Collective Bargaining Agreement in place currently, rules like "Don't smoke weed," are currently not enforceable. Does that mean the report of Michael Beasley getting busted for possession in early July will mean nothing?
David Stern: First off Michael Beasley is a dumb ass. Second off I told that dumb ass to get a new look, because LeBron thought he looked too much like that mother fucker Delonte West. But nooo he wouldn't listen to me and now he's stuck on the Timberwolves with that dufus Kahn. Lastly, he was busted for possession in late June (while we had a CBA), so contrary to other reports, Beasley will feel my wrath
Rondo Burgundy: Next Question: Who is the NBA's best player right now?
David Stern: I'm not sure.
Rondo Burgundy: Ok then. Who is the best player the first 3 quarters of a game?
David Stern: LeBron
Rondo Burgundy: Do you think Kobe has lost something?
David Stern: Well he lost his mind with that model spread about a year and a half ago, but on the court yes. He's not that good anymore. And the Lakers will regret his new contract when it's taking up 80% of their hard cap.
Rondo Burgundy: Who is the top point guard in the League?
David Stern: Chris Paul
Rondo Burgundy: Wrong Answer!
David Stern: Deron Williams?
Rondo Burgundy: Wrong Answer! Let me help you, how many times has Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Derrick Rose, Steve Nash and Russell Westbrook been in the Finals? Combined!
David Stern: That would be zero.
Rondo Burgundy: What about Rajon Rondo?
David Stern: Twice.
Rondo Burgundy: Does he have a ring?
David Stern: Yes.
Rondo Burgundy: So Rajon Rondo has infinitely more titles than all those other so called elite point guards correct?
David Stern: Actually that isn't correct. Infinity times zero is still zero.
Rondo Burgundy: Well then infinity times as many as those bums PLUS 2 then.
David Stern: I guess that works.
Rondo Burgundy: So who is the top point guard in the League?
David Stern: Rajon Rondo
Rondo Burgundy: Moving on, what is your favorite perk of being commissioner?
David Stern: That would have to be me having full access to smell NBA Dance team members' underwear. Whether they're currently being worn or not (winks and giggles).
Rondo Burgundy: Not the answer I was expecting, but to each his own. Next question: Do you fear any NBA players.
David Stern: I fear NO ONE!
Rondo Burgundy: Be honest Commissioner.
David Stern: Ok, no one but Kendrick Perkins. That man's a beast. Whenever I have a message concerning overturning one of his technicals, I piss my Depends slightly and immediately overturn it. Why in the world did the Celtics trade him? He's the baddest, toughest, meanest center in the League?
Rondo Burgundy: The Celtics got Jeff Green (Entire video store bursts into laughter).
David Stern: Exactly. I apologize Mr. Burgundy, but I will have to end this interview right now. I have just been informed that my "White Men Can Hump" video is now available and waiting for me at the counter. Have a good one.
Rondo Burgundy: Thank you for your time Mr. Commissioner. Enjoy your movie.
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