Rasheed Wallace to Blame for Boston Water Crisis

As workers desperately rushed to repair the ruptured water pipe which has left 2 million Boston residents without drinking water, CelticsLife has uncovered the true source of this catastrophe. While Rasheed Wallace exploded for 2 points and 2 rebounds in last night's Celtics loss, it was earlier in the day when Rasheed caused his greatest damage. Three eyewitnesses claim to have seen Rasheed going at the Weston, MA water pipe with some sort of power tool that resembled Dick Bavetta. Once the pipe broke, Wallace was heard yelling "Pipe Don't Lie." Nate Robinson was also at the scene and he was spotted laughing, but he is not being investigated as his fingerprints were not on the Dick Bavetta power tool. Marquis Daniels allegedly was in the vicinity as well, but eyewitnesses claim Daniels was simply sitting at the end of a park bench with no expression.

Danny Ainge who signed Wallace to a hefty three year contract and inexplicably turned down the opportunity to rid the Celtics of the albatross at the trade deadline when the Bobcats wanted him had the following to say:
Look we were aware when we signed Rasheed that he might do something like this, but we thought the possible reward far outweighed the risk. And its way too early to cast Rasheed aside because of this. There is still plenty of time for Rasheed to break a water pipe in Cleveland and then we really think he matches up well with Orlando water pipes. And if we are able to advance to the Finals I think Rasheed would be up to the task of leaving Los Angeles without drinking water. I think Boston fans will look at him differently after that.
Rasheed Wallace has refused an interview request from CelticsLife, but Kevin Garnett said, "Look I'm tired of answering questions about 'Sheed. Mother fu#%ers need to learn how to boil water anyway."

Poland Springs, Aquafina, and Dasani have all offered to pay Rasheed's legal expenses, but right now no charges have been filed. Both Governor Deval Patrick and Mayor Thomas Menino have assured their friend and Celtics part owner Steve Pagliuca that Rasheed Wallace will not miss any court time do to this. Menino said, "The great city of Boston doesn't deserve to miss out on Rasheed Wallace's standard 1-5 shooting line, with minimal rebounds, and zero sweat exerted." We will keep you updated on this developing story.