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At the beginning of the season, many - including myself - were under the impression that the Boston Celtics would have a truly terrible season. It wasn't too hard to see; the Celtics didn't have a point guard on the roster through January, and the only Center they had was an unheralded prospect from Brazil whose DraftExpress profile hadn't been updated since 2009.

But that wasn't a bad thing, really. The 2014 draft has been advertised as one of the best of all time, with experts saying that you might realistically see as many as 5 franchise-altering stars come out of the draft. And in a Superstar driven league, that's music to a bad team's ears.

There's been a problem with that though: Almost every team in the East has under-performed, and one of the few exceptions is the Boston Celtics.

The team likes each other too much. They feed off an incredibly intelligent coach, who refuses to accept any credit, only emphasizing the importance of team further. While they're not necessarily 'good', they're undeniably feisty, and perfectly intent to maximize their potential against every opponent. While they've shown some regression to the mean lately, the frightening thing is that they're regressing to where just about everyone that's not Miami, Indiana and maybe Toronto is currently residing. The Celtics chances of landing one of those 'franchise altering superstars' are surprisingly limited at this point in time. Clearly, a fix is needed.

Enter: Rudy Gay

And the comments section explodes (mostly with people who've read the headline and skipped my utter-BRILLIANT writing). "Rudy Gay stinks!" , "What?! So we can just watch him jack up long 2's?!?! Nice idea, idiot", "You're terrible, and so is Rudy Gay! Every team he leaves gets better!"

Yes! Yes! And Yes!


Take a look at this infographic, provided by the good men at Hickory High:


Let's see Brandon Bass keep rotating perfectly on defense after watching Rudy Gay taking an Antoine Walker amount of bad shots. How about Jared Sullinger continuing to play selfless basketball when he's seeing the ball 3 times a game? And Jordan Crawford?! Welcome Back, BAYBAY! You get yours, Steez! That's what Rudy gay does! Thats, what you do (again)!

I'd say the possibilities are endless, but that's not quite true. There's one possibility that couldn't possibly occur; the Boston Celtics continuing to play inspired basketball. You (temporarily, we'll get to this) take the life out of this team, and put them right back at the bottom of the barrel and you make sure they stay there until the season ends. Landing us the franchise altering player in the draft we need, while maintaining Rajon Rondo, a plethora of picks, and (with the Lee-Bayless swap) cap flexibility in the near future.

And that's when you trade Rudy Gay.

Here's what makes my plan so great; Not only has Rudy Gay single handedly helped you win a top 5 spot in the lottery, he's also about to make your team infinitely better than anyone could'e imagine.

Have you ever been to a party, and some loud mouth drunk shows up and somehow counteracts every positive vibe that's going on in the room? Then he ultimately leaves, or passes out, and the party gets waaaaay better just because everyone's SO relieved? RUDY GAY IS THAT GUY! He leaves parties and they start to ROCK!

Rudy Gay gets injured and the Memphis Grizzlies make an improbable playoff run. Rudy Gay comes back and they return to mediocrity. Rudy Gay gets traded to Toronto and Memphis returns to prominence. Toronto trades Gay less than a year later, and all a sudden they're playing the best basketball team their franchise has ever seen! You can't argue this! His mere absence improves teams! It's science!

Take a look at these quotes from Zack Lowe's latest pieces on the Toronto Raptors post Rudy Gay:

Dwane Casey, the Raps head coach, chuckles at the idea that Toronto has dramatically changed its offense since the Gay trade. "All the same sets," he says, smiling, though the equation has tilted a bit more toward the pick-and-roll


and

The Raptors are passing the ball 30 more times per game since the trade, per SportVU data provided to Grantland, and shooting about three more 3-pointers — an intended benefit of replacing Gay in the starting lineup with Terrence Ross. "The ball is just constantly moving," DeRozan says. "We don't care who scores, or who shoots the ball. Masai [Ujiri, the team's GM] made the best decision for us to win. You hate to see a close friend go, but he made a good decision. It's paying off now."

Basically, "Rudy Gay is a really nice guy, and I miss hanging out with him and hopefully we can see 'Wolf of Wall Street' together next time he's in town but.... OH MY GOD, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT PLAYING BASKETBALL COULD BE THIS MUCH FUN!!!!!'

Rudy Gay puts your team through a 'Shawshank Redemption' like experience. A year in a proverbial sewer tunnel. It's dark, cold, and quite smelly, but you take solace in knowing there is an end. And that end? Sweet, sweet freedom. A renewed outlook on life (,or playing basketball) which makes every player on the roster want to make the very best of what they have.

If you think Jared Sullinger's playing well now, wait til he's gone through the Rudy Gay Experience. Kelly Olynyk? Borderline All Star once he took 'playing the right way' to a new level. Avery Bradley?! Demar Derozan on steroids, hgh, AND deer antler spray.

So then, how do we get rid of Rudy?

Well, if history has taught us anything it's these 2 things:

1. Someone will always, always talk themselves in Rudy Gay as the superstar their team needs.
2. Michael Jordan is terrible at making basketball (and fashion) decisions.

With that in mind, I've taken the liberty of writing an email for Danny Ainge to send out:

Hey MJ,

Was just thinking of the time you dominated me on the Suns and Blazers and thought, man, wouldn't it be cool if I gave that guy a SUPERSTAR to help take his team to the next level?

So with that in mind, what's your thoughts on Rudy Gay? Wait. Stop. Don't think. Just watch this link I made for you: a Rudy Gay mix tape, set to your favorite song, "Jam" by Michael Jackson. . And to get you extra psyched, I've also photoshopped a picture of Rudy Gay dunking real cool-like, while wearing a Charlotte Hornets starter jacket


Pretty Sweet, right?

Anyways, let me know. Just want to see you guys do well, wouldn't need much back.

-Danny Ainge (Big Fan)

And thus, the completion of a very successful Rudy Gay Experience. Helping this team achieve every single goal they had, and paving the way for Banner 18, 19, and hey, probably, 20, too.

So to summarize:

1. Trade for Rudy Gay
2. Watch Rudy Gay suck the life out of team
3. Win the Lottery
4. Email Michael Jordan and remind him about the song 'Jam' by Michael Jackson
5. Profit.

follow me on twitter: @mattdotrich

Matt Richissin 1/06/2014 03:15:00 PM Edit
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