If we injure Debron Bosh, can we just have them for 48 minutes?
   As I sit here drinking cheap Brandy from the bottle on a Tuesday like a derelict outside of an abandoned K-Mart, I can't help but get excited about our opening day game and this upcoming season.  As you read this, structural engineers are furiously typing on their calculators and printing out graph after fancy 3D MS Excel graph.  Why?  Never before has one building had to withstand so much ego.  Look out moon, watch out storrow drive, the tide has a new master, and when Lebron James, Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade's heads come together near the shore, in one place, you might just see John Cusack desperately outrunning the apocalypse for the 18th time (that joke was for those of you who were foolish enough to go see 2012.  consider it a pity-joke. or pitiful. or both. ok, next paragraph).

   Yes, it's true, the Basketball gods have smiled upon us, and decided that the garden would be the guinea pig for this experiment called "The Heat." Personally, I think us Boston fans are more than up to the challenge.  I'm not saying we have to go Philly-fans on the Heat and projectile-vomit like a Linda Blair firing squad at the opposing bench (though I'm not saying that I was looking if it happens), but I'm confident that Lebrosh Wade will get a healthy round of... creative ...disencouragement, if you'll allow me to audaciously ellipse right into made-up words. Woah, looks like I did anyways.

    Now, as a Celtics fan, I have to say, I'm kind of excited about this Miami Super-team for several reasons.  Allow me to explain.

   1)  Miami has never cared about sports or the Heat or anything really, outside of partying till 8am because they've injested so much cocaine that they literally have no other options.  Boy oh boy will it be funny to hear Heat "fans" try to talk about basketball.  I'm willing to bet that at the end of this season, one could make an AWESOME "highlight" reel of Miami-fan commentary using footage from news interviews and whatnot. Here's a preview of what to expect: "Oh, well, clearly Lebron and Wade run the best I-formation in basketball, when it comes down to it, and you got Bosh in net, I mean, they're probably up at like, 11:30am working on their... whatever they do, and probably don't even stop to nap till like, 2!  Now where's that tequila you promised?"

   2)  Everyone else is going to hate Miami too.  What football fan, outside of Pats fans, is ambivalent about the Pats?  What baseball fan outside of Yankees fans, could take or leave the Yankees?  The Heat are the ones who are supposedly stacked now, so it stands to reason that us who follow the NBA will all unite against the superteam.  Finally, I have something in common with the idiot in front of me wearing a Noah jersey waiting in line to buy a beer at the garden.  Hey your boy is the world's tallest goblin, but at least we can agree the Heat are a pain in the ass.

   3)  EVERYONE hates Lebron James now.  The dude is going the way of Dane Cook, Fred Durst and Sarah Palin.  Even Lebron James fans hate Lebron James.  And actually, let me get something out of the way here.  Cleveland fans, just fucking relax, ok?  What the hell is the matter with you?  Get pissed about him maybe giving up a little in last year's play-off, fine.  Don't go getting pissed that he's playing for another team.  Maybe you aren't familiar with professional sports because Ohio as a state just got cable last year, but in reality, professional athletes usually don't stay in one city for their whole careers.  They also don't owe an allegiance to any one city once a contract is up.  God it's like Lebron went to Miami in a dastardly plot to undermine Cleveland's bustling drug trade and bankrupt the city.  I'd like 12 kilos of shut the hell up and deal with it, thanks.  So, moving on, we know that Cleveland fans hate Lebron, and now that I'm done bashing the lot of you, welcome to the anti-Lebron bandwagon.  Sorry kid who did that stupid youtube video of yourself rapping about Lebron to the tune of that M.I.A. song, there's no room for you.  We know that us Boston fans hate him cause we hate basically everyone west of Watertown, north of Everett and south of, well, Southie, really.  Finally, post-"decision," the rest of the country can also hate this penis pump.  Hey so I think I'm going to interview for some new jobs, maybe look into getting into Meryl Lynch Financial or try my luck as a barista at Starbucks... I don't know, perhaps a custodial engineer at a mall where I push around a
garbage pale on wheels and smell funny for 12 hours a day.  The one thing I do know is that my next job is NATIONAL NEWS and should have AN HOUR OF PRIME-TIME COVERAGE DEVOTED TO IT.  How far gone from Earth do you have to be, I mean really.

   So come on everyone, if you find yourself lucky enough to be in the Garden on the night of October 26th, 2010, 1) why the hell didn't you get me a ticket (seriously, I'll pay you back)? and B) you better be all business because these Heat need to understand that they are just 3 ball hogs and flock of chumps (Eddie House notwithstanding).

Three Toe 8/03/2010 10:57:00 PM Edit
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14 Responses so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    The dude is going the way of Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Paul Pierce.


  2. Anonymous says:

    I love pictures.

  3. Anonymous says:

    love the heat cheerleaders. Think I looked at them longer than the article haha

  4. JR says:

    This is some funny stuff Three-Toe.

  5. Anonymous says:

    i like this one! :)

    i like also the eddie house notwithstanding

  6. Jenda says:

    You should write more. Everybody likes hate-articles. lol

  7. Three Toe says:

    Anon1 - you're on the wrong blog
    Anon2 - clearly we are on the same page
    Anon3 - you and me both

  8. tb727 says:

    Hilarious stuff 3toe

  9. Conquistador says:

    I really hope the Heat have a great season. Here is why: The bigger they are; they harder they fall (when the C's beat the snot out of them).

    I'm also glad we're going to be the first team to beat them this coming season!

  10. Anonymous says:

    This was gr8! And as a new Celtics fan AND Philly resident, I say why not go Philly on the Heat? It's just part of the sport down here in the "city of brotherly love" LOL
    Awesome article...I'm amped!

  11. Awesome stuff! Most entertaining article of the year. Thanks Three Toe. I agree with everything you said....now buy me a beer.

  12. ThomasJ says:

    Hilarious stuff Three Toe! Personally, I would be hating the Heat more if they had signed Shaq. That would have been the perfect storm. Riley wasn't interested in going there again.

  13. JR says:

    Truth be told ThomasJ, I believe Danny would have chosen Big Z or Juwan Howard over Shaq, but they chose Miami.

  14. ThomasJ says:

    I think Riley/Miami chose them and not Shaq.

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