Nailed it. Thank you to @JADubin5. You're a genius.
Don't even bother watching the draft tomorrow night, folks. I've got the spoilers right here.
2014 DRAFT HIGHLIGHTS:
1. CLE drafts The Wrong Guy: Brilliant. Absolute brilliance. No matter who they pick, it will be 100% the wrong pick. GET EXCITED WIGGINS, PARKER, EMBIID, EXUM, or GARY HARRIS! One of you is making a public appearance at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame before the 4th of July!
6. BOS drafts Someone Who Will Be Traded for a Superstar: I don't know who this guy "Someone Who Will be Traded for a Superstar" is, but he sounds like an absolute steal. Hopefully the GM of wherever the superstar he is getting traded for plays feels the same.
13. MIN drafts a Point Guard: "Kevin Love, I know we've made promises about improving the team to surround you with players that can help you win now... so we got you a versatile guard to go with the other six we have on the roster! Minnesota Wrecking Crew! Flip Saunders is the coach! Land of 10,000 Lakes... more like 10,000 Titles!" Great pitch. Enjoy the coming winter, young athlete to be named soon. It starts up again in three hours.
14, 18, 27. PHO drafts Whoever Boston would Take: Following the model of success. I love it. As long as they don't make it to the finals by drafting and running a team the way Boston would before Boston does again, then I'm happy. By all means, please keep Ainging it up out west.
30. SA drafts Future Finals MVP: Of course they do. I wonder if the Spurs era of amazing basketball at every level will end once Pop hangs it up? Naw- they'll probably be the model of excellence from now until forever. Professional basketball thy name is Riverwalk.
Follow Padraic O'Connor on Twitter @padraic_oconnor