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Oh hello there and welcome to my second installment of my incredibly irregular series.  As many of you know, we here at CelticsLife are Celtics fans.  End of article, now go fly away.

OK just kidding, unless you too have sweet bat wings and aren't afraid to show it.  First off, this article contains obscenities, so if that offends you, either grow a sac and read on, or send all complaints to my spam address: phkd@email.com.  Now,  I find that when one is a fan of a team as dominant as the Celtics, it's good, maybe even healthy to also follow a bad team.  This way when your Celtics lose, you can always look to, say, the Washington re-zards and be like, "Well, at least we've won A road game." or you can go on the Sacramento Shitstorm's website, look under career opportunities and see openings for: "starting Center, must not be from Canada" and "full-time and part-time fans, that's right, we'll pay you to come to games."

Well for me, that second team is the L.A. Clippers.  There are a few reasons for me liking the clippers.  One is that typically Lakers fans and Clippers fans don't get along.  The chance that a Clippers fan might leave a tack on a seat in the Staples center for the next Lakers game should be enough of a reason right there!  "AHH! My ass is deflating and my six thousand dollar jeans are ruined!"

Yea, I know, shoulda been ready to shoot the ball
instead of masturbating, but hey I'm on the
CLIPPERS!"











Another reason I like them is because I always end up routing for the underdog in a contest that doesn't involve Boston.  And the Clippers are like professional underdogs.  They are and have been pretty much the go-to team of suck whenever anyone has to answer the question, "Which team is better at driving to the Arena than driving to the basket?"

Finally,  one of the biggest reasons I like them is that they are really bad and almost always are, but still show flashes of brilliance.  Watching them is like watching a Steven Seagal movie.  You know it's just going to be 2 hours of just pure, unadulterated crap, with the occasional hilarious scene of some fool getting what's coming to him in the form of an awful one-liner and and a cruise missile from 4 feet away.  But you aren't watching to see cinematic or basketball genius at work, you're watching to laugh at aging action stars that wear all black because it hides the pounds, or in basketball's case, the biggest infected asshole to ever shit out money for a team:  Donald Sterling.  Yes, finally I'm getting to the point.

If you haven't been following the Clippers, then maybe you don't know about Don Sterling.  If not, you should check out this article that not only explains his most recent appeal for public decapitation, but all his previous ones too.  I mean, just look at that picture and tell me the first thing you think.  If it's anything other than "colossal douchebag," you have the wrong picture.  Here are some additional interesting tidbits from wikipedia:
"Despite a June 26, 2006 Los Angeles Times article, detailing the Donald T. Sterling Charitable Foundation's pledge to spend $50 million on a site on the eastern end of Downtown Los Angeles to provide services for Los Angeles' homeless population, nothing has been built. According to an LA Weekly article from February 19, 2008, critics were skeptical that the homeless center would ever be built, and surmised that Sterling bought the property purely for its real-estate value."
"[Along with Baron Davis,] Clippers center Chris Kaman and former Clippers Bobby Brown and Mardy Collins have also been berated by Sterling during games, a source said. The players typically heard Sterling during free throws or when they were within earshot during a stoppage in play. "
So let me get this straight, David fucking Dickhead,  Danny Ainge gets a huge fine for throwing a towel in the air from the sideline during a game.  Donald Sterling makes racist comments about players in the league, has numerous sexual harassment suits, some from NBA employees, brought against him, heckles his OWN TEAM from the sidelines, not to mention has multi-million dollar discrimination lawsuits brought against him outside of the NBA, and that's all good?

Boy, I'll tell you, these two cocksuckers deserve each other.  I am glad to have the choice to voice my opinions uncensored here, but don't think that Jemele Hill of ESPN wouldn't have used a few choice words if she could in her article about this.  But really, you have to ask yourself, on what fucking planet is this acceptable at all?  How can this be allowed to continue?  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON INSIDE STERN'S MORON HEAD?!

MMMmmmm Blake Griffin... More like Steak Griffin *buurp*
Well I'm glad you asked, here's my theory:  David Stern receives a report about Donald Tokowtiz's (originally, later changed to Sterling as a piss-poor attempt to mask his reputation) newest episode of "how to prick-out hard." and goes "Oh NO! PR NIGHTMARE!!! Profit margins!  Diminishing returns!  COLLECTIVE BARGAINING AGREEMENTS!!! LATE FEES!!!" And immediately arranges to meet with Sterling in person to figure out what the fuck that senile, chucklehead fatass was thinking.  Donald Sterling contacts Aggregate Industries and they dump him into his re-enforced limo via front-end loader.   As Donald walks into David's office, both men face each other and neither say a word.  There is a look of distinct awe and confusion on both men's face.  Donald is thinking "I wonder if I was racist enough to my limo driver. Oh well, sandwiches.  I like them." David is thinking, "Holy shit, it's me!!! I'M DONALD STERLING!  This is like the twist ending to a horror movie! I need to make sure none of these reports get out!!!"  Donald walks away after the wordless meeting snarling at everyone who mistakes him for Alf in the hallways while David is frantically trying to avoid taking any action whatsoever on the reported indiscretions.

That, my friends, is the only way this works for me.  I guess the possibility exists that they are just both two big douchey peas in a bigger douchey pod, looking out for each other's douchey interests and forgiving each other's douchey actions.  So while this is not directly related to the Celtics, I think we can agree that it does greatly affect the NBA and not to mention is just plain fucked up.  Fuck the both of them.  As Mrs. Finkle said, they should both die of gonorrhea and rot in hell,

The End.

P.S. - To leave on a positive note: check out this play below.  It is an example of a flash of brilliance that I eluded to earlier that makes this team worth watching, even if it's only when the C's aren't on.  Just an astounding play there, my god.

Three Toe 1/08/2011 11:42:00 AM Edit
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6 Responses so far.

  1. I liked your article, but I don't like being reminded of Stern. I hate him so much. I just want him to go away from NBA.

    Amazing play, by the way.

  2. David Stern is the devil.
    (with all due apologies to Satan himself for degrading him).
    I'm sure Satan is saying wtf have I done to be compared to that lowlife David Stern.

  3. shelbyl says:

    My vocabulary isn't wide enough to elaborate on my feelings for Sterling after reading these articles.

    Wow. Just wow.

  4. Hate Sterling, and Stern for that matter, but great piece Three-Toe.

    This might actually be the first time in the last few years I'll watch the dunk contest. Blake Griffin is ridiculous--absolute freak of nature.

  5. Three Toe says:

    thanks for the comments, guys! Any further awareness on these two tumors of society is a good thing! Early detection has long since past, but I think there's still time to blast them with enough radiation that they glow orange and drop dead.

  6. Bohemian says:

    Awesome article, three toe :)

    I've always liked watching Clippers, Nets, Kings, Warriors and Suns. The Clips now with Griffin, Baron, Gordon and the rest of the extremely young squad are really fun to watch. Too bad they have to bear Sterling

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