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"So far we've agreed to not look at each other, and
to shake hands in an unconventional manner."
I'm about 5 days late with this news, but for those of you who don't know or don't care, (and I don't blame you), let me bring you up to speed with this whole mess.  Most of the teams in the NBA aren't making a profit so the owners decided that they wanted to pay the players less instead of covering the losses themselves.  The players said something to the tune of "homey don't play that, B" so the league was all, "I ain't tryin to hear that, son.  You can't have the money and the chicken tetrazzini," and locked the players out.  In the most recent negotiations, the player's union threatened to hit the NBA with an anti-trust lawsuit and to basically plug their ears and yell "I'm not listening." The league is now suing the union in a lawsuit that aims to do 3 things, as far as I can tell: eliminate the ability of the union to bring an anti-trust lawsuit against them, void all players contracts if the union decides to renounce their representation of the players (the "I'm not listening" bit), as well as eliminate the ability of a court to block their lock-out.  The union's imaginary spokesperson, Jesus Quintana, has since made a statement saying that this is, "Bush-league, psych-out shit," and that it is "laughable, man."


"Varej√£o and me,
we're gonna fuck you up."
You see, it all started when David Stern noticed that a small forward wasn't there to drive to his hole and wipe his ass with golden TP after he finished taking a $60,000 shit.  Clearly things have been on the decline for him.  With 22 of the 30 NBA teams not being profitable last season, massive hardships have befallen the owners.  Things like downsizing their houses' staffs to only 30 immigrants, filling their private jets with regular instead of premium, and cutting back on expensive, lawsuit-inciting racism.

"Hey if I had to sell one of my yachts,
I would have done the same thing."
Things just couldn't get any worse for these guys, so they've decided that's it, "We aren't richer than we were before, and that is unacceptable.  Someone will pay for this." Here's the reality of the situation.  The dispute is over how to distribute about $4.3 billion dollars of revenue.  The total payroll of all the teams in the NBA last season was $1.6 billion dollars.  So after the players get paid, there's still $2.7 billion dollars to play with.  The problem is there are a lot of costs associated with maintaining a team.  Things like paying for arenas and associated costs (that's double for the Orlando Magic, haha), transporting your team around the country, paying manufacturers of merchandise, and so on.  Supposedly, only 8 teams made enough money to pay their players and keep up with all the other costs.  The rest of the teams had to rely on out-of-pocket money (from the owners and investors of the team) to pay all their bills.

Paid exorbitantly...
to dunk on the Clippers.
Don't get me wrong the players make about one metric assload of money more than they deserve.  Kobe Bryant is tall and fast and can put a ball in a hole, for about $25 million a year.  The rhetorical question I'd ask is, does it make sense that he makes literally over 500 times as much as the average firefighter who risks his life for strangers or teacher in who's hands we all place our future?  Well you know what, if you assholes want to pay Kobe Bryant that much money, then that's your fucking dumb-ass fault when shit hits fan.  Well, the Lakers are one of the teams making a profit, I'd imagine, but what about, hmm... Memphis paying Rudy Gay $15 mil per year?  They might as well be shitting directly onto the fan there.

What's worse is that there is a sense of assumed blame that the owners just don't want to take.  Who's at fault for the loss of revenues?  Certainly not the players, they are getting bigger, stronger, faster, etc. it seems, as time goes on, and therefore theoretically more fun to watch.  And you can't blame them, again, because they are chosen by the owners and management.  If I hire a turtle to run my assembly line, no one's going to come to me like, "Wow, that turtle is really fucking everything up, are you sure he's been reporting to on-the-job training?"  They're going to be more or less like, "Why the hell did you hire a turtle? You do realize that it's a fucking turtle, right?"  My point is, the league is failing because of what the owners are doing or not doing.  So why is it the players who have to make the sacrifice?

Here's a couple radical ideas for the NBA owners and executives that I think might help them.  

"What do we want? 'An NBA team in Albuquerque, New Mexico!'
Why do we want it? 'It's fucking hot out!'"
  • The "darts at a map of the USA" is not working, as far as city selection for your teams.  Um, Charlotte? Oklahoma City? Why don't we throw one up in Boise, Idaho while we're at it.  You know the South Dakota Badlands don't have a team...  How about California 1, California 2, California 3?  Yea David Lee called, he said he's sick of playing for Golden State cause he can't practice without having to dodge the rebounds from Blake Griffin and Pau Gasol's missed J's.

  • When people confuse your league with the WWE, that's a bad thing.  This is hole they've been digging for themselves for a while, and it's going to take some time before anyone really trusts them.  Everyone who follows the NBA watches with a certain degree of suspicion.  Personally, I believe there's game-fixing going on.  It was proved, although completely ignored, that the last dunk contest was a fix.  Letting the best team win to maximize profits may seem counter intuitive when the Milwaukee Sucks win it all, but maybe, just maybe, if people thought they were watching a true sport, and not a reality show packed with tall people, there would be more interest.  You force your big-name teams to win, you lose interest from all the other markets in the country, those teams' ticket and merchandising revenues fall, they can't spend as much on players so it becomes even less likely for them to win, and the cycle perpetuates.  In the end, all you get is 22 markets who's teams don't have a chance, of course the fans don't give a fuck, of course you are going to lose money.  What isn't the Sterninator getting? I mean, 47 FTA discrepancy in 5 playoff games against the team with the most buzz in the league? Not still bitter, I'm just saying...

  • Oust David Stern and Donald Sterling.  These two jerk-offs have reputations that wouldn't improve even if they grew angel wings and flew to third-world countries to save dying children with magic rays of sunshine from their glowing halos.  No fans of the NBA appreciate Stern ruining the game of basketball in this country and acting like a smug little fuckasaurus rex pretending to give a rat's ass about anything other than accumulating wealth.  And no fans of humanity appreciate such a scumbag like Sterling being continually rewarded and defended by the league for his constant irresponsibility.

You follow these steps, NBA, and you won't need to have silly lock-outs and court battles, cause you will eventually get back to making profits.  I won't even ask for a cut, cause I'm not as greedy as is fashionable nowadays.


Three Toe 8/07/2011 07:03:00 PM Edit
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9 Responses so far.

  1. Amazing. I agree. Please write more.

  2. agree with Karl. this is an inspired masterpiece. this needs to reach the NBA fast.

  3. Bohemian says:

    This is a must read for every fan, player and owner. Awesome piece.

  4. Jenda says:

    Who here doesn't love an article like that? D. STERN and D. STERliNg perhaps.
    Hate-masterpiece!

  5. tb727 says:

    Well-written and entertaining. I like your 3 points to get the deal done.

    And owners truly are a baffling bunch. Like the Nets sign Travis Outlaw to an atrocity of a contract and then 3 months later...are trying to move the albatross contract that is Travis Outlaw. You JUST gave it to him, morons!!

  6. badax33 says:

    I think this ASSHOLE missed the point of the lockout as far as the owners are concerned. You can agree with this ASSHOLE or the player or the owner but Travis Outlaw's contract is not the problem, it's the BRI split - 57-43 in favor of the players. Why the owners agreed to that is in IMO beyond STUPID. If you take out every bad contract and pretend they aren't there, the players still received the same amount of money. This year the owners didn't spend as much on contracts and owe the players and additional $228M (or in that neighborhood)to meet the 57% BRI.

  7. Three Toe says:

    @badax33 let's not resort to capital name-calling, you shit-eating semen-sucker. haha, anyways, we can get into this a little more I guess. You write about the BRI split like it's some ridiculous ratio. The NFL players get 60% of football-related revenue, and that league (although previously mired in other disagreements) is doing incredibly well.

    There's one sentence you wrote that's particularly retarded. [If you take out all the bad contracts, the players all still make the same amount of money]. Why would the players bother signing contracts if that were true? If you void all the bad contracts, the players do still make BRI money, but less than they would have with their additional contract money. Here's the long and short of it: the owners claim they are losing too much money, saying teams lost a combined $380 million last year. The players are calling bullshit on that, and here's why. The last season has been the biggest revenue season for the NBA in years. It was the most watched season since 98-99 (http://www.adweek.com/news/television/tnt-espnabc-draw-record-nba-ratings-130751?page=1). Why wasn't this shit being brought up by the owners in 08-09? Better yet, how did they agree to a CBA in 05, back when they were doing terribly, that somehow is losing them money now that they have record revenues for this century? The Warriors sold for $450m dollars last summer... yet it's losing money hand over fist? Smells like bullshit to me, especially since the owners won't even open their accounting books to the courts. It's so easy to prove your point when you can just make the numbers up! Enron did it and got away with murder for a while.

    Also, owners want a hard salary cap. Um, just DON'T OFFER INSANE CONTRACTS! Problem solved. So they're worried that one rogue owner will start signing dumb-ass contracts and that will cause player-inflation (and it would) come up with something that punishes that OWNER not the players.

    This is the way it always happens in pro sports. The owners hate each other, signing guys to big contracts trying to pry this guy or that guy away from another team. They overspend trying to out-do each other and win championships. Then after they've caused the cost of signing talent to go through the roof, these former enemies all unite in a big sobfest, crying about expensive it has become. Boo-fucking-hoo, it's your own fucking fault. In this case, it's clear to me that the owners finally got a taste of what success is like, but it wasn't as lucrative as they expected cause their overspending went rampant, now they want an "undo" button. I say, "go fuck yourselves."

  8. This was a really nice post. Very informative about the lockout, and you bring up alot of good points to back up what you're saying...
    Can't wait for it all to end so we can get the offseason really rolling already

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